Today started out really well. Sam lay in bed until 8:45!! So rare Stu thought his watch must have stopped in the night 😂 I lay in bed until 11; Sunday being my precious lie in day. We got ready and headed out to Big Tesco in Handforth for some BBQ goodies. That’s is where it all went wrong. It’s always a balancing act to appease Sam from the moment we walk in as he always screams when we don’t go straight up the escalator to buy toys. Which we didn’t today because he won’t settle for the £2 hot wheels car anymore. It’s always a £15 or £20 toy he wants now 😩
So we started off the trip around the store with mild screaming. To you and me that’s a child’s normal I’m not happy scream. The thing that Sam is seeming to find increasingly difficult is when he gets set off, at home or out is getting himself calmed down again. It escalates and I don’t know how to help him in these situations. He can’t communicate to me. More and more he’s starting to push me away. So then the ‘average’ scream gained momentum very quickly. He screams so loud (I actually need a decibel app it’s that piercing) I’m trying to throw things in the trolley. Connor is running ahead. He is very sound sensitive and hates coming shopping with Sam. Stu is upstairs getting a pair of work pants. He said everyone upstairs was looking around for the reason behind this blood curdling scream. Anyway, there was one lady who stopped her shopping to stand and stare at me/him. It always feels like me being judged. Connor heard staff and customers talking not very proactively shall we say about what they were witnessing. Don’t get me wrong it does sound like he is being tortured in the most heinous way. But the important thing is that he isn’t. He is having a very sensory reaction to his surroundings. His way to release himself I think, is to scream very very loudly.
There is more than a chance if you were in Tesco today at about 1pm then you heard Sammy going full throttle for about 15 minutes straight. No one has ever said anything to me about Sammys ‘behaviour’ so maybe all the stares aren’t judgemental just a natural reaction to hearing a very loud noise. I’d like to think so because while I’m doing my shopping, keeping my head high looking back at the onlookers because it’s all I can do. I can’t tell him to stop, and if I do it’s only so I look like I’m telling him to stop knowing full well he can’t listen to me or stop himself. Just so I look like I’m ‘parenting’ this boy. I do look calm, I’m very practised at looking calm on the inside I’m shaking. Feeling like a rabbit caught in the headlights with nowhere to run or hide. I’ve posted a few things on fb this week about being judgemental (myself included). If you see something like this when you’re out and about I’d just like to gently remind you to judge with kindness to remember that while you can walk away from it. The Mother or Father cannot. Like I said it’s natural to look for the source, but look then look away. I know you’re mum will have told you it’s rude to stare 🤣. Or offer a smile or a sympathetic shoulder shrug. You know the one. It means the world!! Sam was fine once we were back in the car, but I was not. He’s currently under the trampoline dropping grass onto himself.
It takes me so long sometimes to come back to earth from these episodes. That I often wonder why I bother. I can’t keep Sam locked away, some trips are better than others so I persevere because I love my son with all my heart, and apart from taking away his upset I wouldn’t change him for the world. 💙
If you are new to my blog, and are interested you can follow our journey from the beginning using the link below. Note you have to scroll to the very bottom of it to get my posts in chronological order ❤️